


remembering sunday, he falls to his knees

by streetlight_skeletons



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Castiel's Thoughts, Character Analysis, hurt!castiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-01
Updated: 2015-12-01
Packaged: 2018-05-04 06:40:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5324276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/streetlight_skeletons/pseuds/streetlight_skeletons
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The crave for humanity burns and its rage is ice cold. It licks at his bones and sets his skin crawling, and it only serves to remind him that this body is not his own.</p>
            </blockquote>





	remembering sunday, he falls to his knees

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!  
> This is my first work to do with Supernatural so any critism is appreciated. And just to warn you, it is basically just all about Castiel...  
> Title from an All Time Low song.  
> Hope you enjoy!

_He doesn't feel_ right _._

_But when does he?_

_He's spent so long being different people, different_ things _that he's forgotten what it's like to be what he was made to be._

_An angel._

_The wings on his back that once made him fly now drag him down. The voices of his brothers and sisters that were once a comfort are now a burden and for once in his life, Castiel wishes he could be human._

_He had a taste of the life, of the simplicity, and now he craves it. He's became addicted to something he will never have and, oh lord, does he want it._

_It burns, but its rage is ice cold. It licks at his bones and sets his skin crawling, and it only serves to remind him that this body is not his own. That even though he can blend in with humanity, he can never become one with it._

_It's gaping; the hole. It's like an empty well, he desperately throws rocks and coins into it, pieces of human life. He fills the void in his chest with Sam, and with Dean, and they bounce off the wall of the well and fall to the bottom. And although it lightens the burden slightly, it doesn't work, as a well is made for water, not stones or pennies._

_But no matter how much he ignores it, he knows that human lives are fleeting. Sam and Dean will not be there forever to throw pennies, they will not be there forever to quench Castiel's thirst for a normal life. Humans celebrate when they reach one hundred years old and at that age, Castiel, the angel, was barely bigger than the average dog._

_Humans were once star dust and they will return to it. Their souls will return to the stars and they will nurture new life; to repeat the cycle._

_Sometimes he sees the sparkle of the stars in Sam's eyes when he reads, and sometimes he sees the power of the Galaxy in Dean when he throws a punch. Sometimes he stares while Dean fights, and sometimes he stares when Sam is so happy his eyes light up._

_They catch him looking, of course, and, after a while, they confront him about it. Dean calls him weird, and Sam just nods patronisingly with a strange look on his face, but Castiel is so blinded by the light behind Sam's eyes and taken aback by the fire in Dean's veins that he doesn't care. He calls them beautiful, and leaves Dean spluttering and Sam in stunned silence._

_But he comes back soon enough, not wanting to miss a thing because human lives are short, practically nonexistent, and that's why, Castiel thinks, he wants it._

_Before, he was content with his life, walking on golden paths and flying with no worries. Some would say he was even happy._

_But just that glimpse of another life, another opportunity, crushed his reality. Castiel soon felt the hand of God on his throat and around his wrists and the wings that he loved so dearly quickly began to feel like chains._

_His brothers and sisters didn't understand, they never would. The others were so blinded by their wings that they couldn't see the strings that were holding them up. Castiel knew they would never see, but he still hoped. But he never prayed, not anymore._

_He doesn't know how to anymore. Every time he begins to pray, it feels like he is on stage and he is an actor, playing the part of a broken angel begging for forgiveness from an absent Father. It doesn't feel real, like he's trying too hard to be the angel he was, the loyal, shoe-licking Castiel._

_He was a good angel, he was. He did his studies, he learned the ancient languages they were required to know and many angels his age looked up to him. Even the other, older angels used to ruffle his feathers and say, "You'll grow up to be just like your big brother"._

_He used to think they meant Michael, and he would preen with pride as, back then, he viewed Michael as the righteous angel, clutching a magnificent sword to crush all pain and suffering._

_Recently, he's thinking that he grew up more like Lucifer._

_He hears the angels whisper about him in his head, just murmurings, but he knows enough that he is not the only one to make the connection between him and his disgraced brother._

_Defiant, assertive and just the touch of humanity had tainted Castiel, just like Lucifer. However, instead of wanting to destroy it, he wanted to save it. He had the determination and resilience of Lucifer to stand against those who disagreed with him and did what he wanted._

_So he's a lot like his older brother, but considering what Lucifer has done, he doesn't like to dwell on it. But he knows it's true, and it is always at the back of his mind, an itch that wants to be remembered, wants to be scratched._

_Castiel now understands Sam's desperation when he had the wall in his head keeping the memories of hell back._

_He remembers Sam crying in his sleep and in his dreams, the younger Winchester calling out to God for help and salvation. The name Samuel itself means 'God has heard'. Castiel thinks he was named inappropriately, for God has certainly not heard the man who saved the world._

_Castiel's name means shield of God. He always thought it meant he would extinguish the flaming arrows of evils deadly aim. He thought it meant he could save. He never knew that by saving he may have to kill the other angels, ones he grew up with, played and sparred with._

_Castiel wants to cry. He wants to rip his superficial heart out and scream because he didn't mean to hurt anybody. He wants to scratch his skin away to dust and feel the blood run down his arms because that might make his head hurt less. There's an ache behind his eyes and he wants it to stop because sooner or later he's just going to tear them out if he can't stop seeing the look of utter betrayal and pure pain on his brothers and sisters faces as he pierces their body with a blade made to protect them. The ringing in his ears remind him of screaming angels and he has heard too much to ever forget. He didn't want to cause the pain that he did but he had to._

_He can't cry, however. Angels were made to be strong creatures, Heaven's courageous warriors. They weren't made to weep. So Castiel is forced to bottle his emotions up, and he now understands the statues that humans make._

_On grave stones and on stone buildings, humans have built their own angels. Trapped in stone, some are made to look fearsome, while others have their face in the hands and seem to be crying. He wishes he could be the statue that cries._

_Sometimes Castiel wishes he could just die. Just let go, there's nothing holding him here. Well, apart from the Winchester brothers, but they will get over his death pretty quickly, they have lived without him before and did fine._

_Even if he does die, where would he go? It took a long time to come to terms with it, but finally Castiel knows he can never call heaven a home again._

_He cannot die right now, he knows that, because he may be an angel with no heaven, but he's found his home elsewhere. On Earth, with Sam and Dean._

_Even though they are blood, and although he still refuses to call them anything other than his brothers and sisters, he cannot call the angels that he grew up with family. He can no longer call God his Father, and he feels like he should be ashamed of that, but he isn't. When he finally admits it to himself, the only emotion he feels is peace._

_And he hasn't felt that in a long, long time._

**Author's Note:**

> Remember to leave a kudo or a comment if you liked it! x


End file.
